Cinematic Emphatic

Hello all you Cinematic Emphatics.  Yes - it's been a few weeks since I've posted a review.  But I can guarantee that's it been longer since Hollywood produced a quality film.  This reviewer has been trying to get into Fall TV but so far no new shows have lived up to the old faves: Modern Family, The Amazing Race, The Office, and of course, my guilty pleasure, Dancing with the Homos (I mean Stars).

As most of you know, each Sunday, my soon-to-be "couch rice cake" husband parks himself on the couch for 8 hours of tight ends, wide receivers, and full backs.  Of course, I mean football, you sickos.  And since I am gayer than a Dolly Parton fan club, I decided to get to the movies for what I was hoping would be an amazing "suck" film, 50/50. What is a suck film, you ask?  Why, one that aims at producing both sobs and yucks (see: Ghost, Terms of Endearment, Steel Magnolias). 

Did I love this film? No.  Did I hate it? No.  It was mezza-mezza, so-so...in other words 50/50.  And it all comes down to the four main characters:

Joseph Gordon Levitt, as the young man dealing with cancer = A

Seth Rogan, as the schlubby selfish friend = F

Anna Kendrick, as the newly appointed therapist = A

Bryce Dallas Howard, as the girlfriend = F

= a nice 50/50

The problem I have with these movies as I get older and more jaded is that at any given moment it is so obvious what the director wants you to feel.  Due to the simplicty of the formula, it takes a solid actor like Shirley MacLaine or Sally Field to pull it off.  And make no mistake, Seth Rogan is no Shirley MacLaine.  The man delivers every line the exact same way and has the emotional depth of a grape.  There are many scenes involving medicinal marijuana and you get the sense that Mr. Rogan brought his own props. 

Now J.G. Levitt, on the other hand, is another story.  I can't wait to see his career arc as he ages past the Emo stage and the burgers and fries start catching up to him.  Levitt possesses this soulful maturity, as also seen in 500 Days of Summer. He is just so likeable that you want to hug him.  But don't - you will break his bones as quickly as his performances break your heart.

My Grade: C 

Hello CE readers,

After taking last weekend off from blogging to bask in the sun with some dear friends, your irreverant cineast is back.  Last weekend brought us Harry Potter.  No thanks: I saw Mr. Radcliffe's magic wand on Broadway in Equus a few years back and that was enough for me.  It also brought us Winnie the Pooh and there is no way I would spend 12 bucks for 65 minutes of trying to determine the gender of that obnoxious rabbit.  Serously 65 minutes?  Most porn is longer than that!  Unless this movie is about the girl on The Wonder Years and her scatalogical exploits, I will stay far away.

That brings us to this weekend.  The choices: Captain America or Friends with Benefits

Ok you gay readers, calm down....yes Chris Evans is attractive.  Yet let it be known, I have never been a fan of what I like to refer to as "gymnast looks."  Can't you see Mr. Evans grasping those rings in the Olympics? Why do they all look so damn All-American?  Why must all superheroes be so Midwestern?  Why do comic hero movies with swarthy stars bomb?

Cases in Point:

• Ryan Reynolds = hot and The Green Lantern lost its light after the first weekend. 
• Eric Bana = hot and The Incredible Hulk was DOA
• and dare we mention Daredevil starring that Bostonian Babe, Ben Affleck.  Atrocious. 

No...instead, I opted for Friends with Benefits - an R-rated rom-com starring the most gorgeous piece of ass of the last 10 years...and no, this homo does not mean Justin Timberlake...I am talking about the sensual Mila Kunis, who along with Eva Longoria, Angelina, and pre-hepatitis Pam Anderson is of the VICE Squad: Vaginas I Could Enter (after 4 glasses of German Riesling and a fluffing from Matt Dillon).  Yes, Mila is gorgeous but her looks could not sustain this nearly 2 hour snoozer.  After sitting through nearly two hours of kissing and firm buttocks, yet no sign of Mila's Kunis or Justin's Timber as well as Woody Harrelson as the Hetero-Homo, I was ready to climb into bed...to sleep.

What makes this film so irritating is simple: throughout the film, both characters slam the sundry cliches of romantic comedies.  However, the film ends up being just what it set out not to be.  Permeating the entire film, song snippets are used to set the tone of the scene.  JT even comments on the use of this tecnique in romantic comedies and once again, the film is dead-set on proving that Life is a Rom-Com (and I would like to ride Justin Timberlake all night long).

Now I am getting angry...like Mila Kunis would have any troubling finding love?!?  That undulating Ukraine is walking viagra.  Justin Timberlake, haven't you learned after being mis-cast in Bad Teacher?  All men and women want to have sex with you!   Now cut the crap you two, show your man and lady bits and make a film called Ends That Bend to Fit!  For that, I would gladly fork over $12.  Overall Grade: Their Asses: A+.  The film: D.

Hello CE Fans,

Once again, the cinematic "delights" of July kept me out of the theaters this weekend.  Horrible Bosses looked mildly amusing, but after the bad Bad Teacher from a few weeks back, this blogger could not take another film revolving around despicable people with no redeeming qualities.  And as for, Zookeeper... an analogy is in order...you know how zoos can be fun for awhile until you realize the powerfully rancid smell of feces is pervading your senses?....'nuff said. Even with Cher as the voice of one of the animals, I am willing to sacrifice a few Princess Points (see John Leguizamo in To Wong Foo for the reference) to avoid having to see an overweight monkey flinging shit at the screen for 90 minutes...yeah, I am talking about you, Kevin James....This Queen of Queens begs you to hang it up and film an ASPCA commercial.  Seeing you pleading on behalf of abused animals will help us all to cleanse our palates. 

Well, enough about unfunny Hollywood types laughing all the way to the bank.  Let's turn to the title of this week's entry: Sleep No More.  For those of you in the dark, SNM is a theatrical experience staged at the McKittrick Hotel in Chelsea.  A London theater company, Punchdrunk, has taken a 90 room condemned hotel and transformed it into the ideal setting for Macbeth.  Audience members freely explore the setting as the plot unfolds throughout the night.  Vignettes are mostly silenty re-told so participants have multiple chances to see key plot points come to life.  Without prior knowledge of Macbeth, SNM would be completely incomprehensible.  Hell, I read the play at least 3 times in my life, and at times was completely lost without Shakespeare's beautiful poetry to illuminate the story. 

It has been said that Macbeth is Shakespeare's most atmospheric play and without a doubt, the main character in SNM is truly the transformed hotel.  Upon arriving at the hotel, audience members walk a claustrophobic winding path in complete darkness until they arrive at a night club, Manderlay, where they can grab a drink and mingle until they are presented with masks that must be worn throughout the evening. They are then escorted in small groups to an elevator which makes several stops, depositing audience members on random floors.  From here on out, you are free to roam the venue and the senses take over.  From the eerie sounds of a graveyard, to the smells of old photos and linens, you are completely transported to another time and place.  The level of intricate detail is beyond astounding: drawers in bedside tables contain handwritten letters and photographs hanging in a darkroom hint at the madness unfolding around you.  After the first 30 minutes, I gave up trying to follow one character or plot line.  The random baby carriage and fossilized chicken remains gave me far more pleasure than any any character interaction.  However, make sure you check out the ballroom to see a quite physically choreographed routine among several lead characters.  I heard great things about the orgy sequence, but I missed that among my explorations.  Darn, I missed nudity!  Although I did get to see Lady M bathing a bloody M in the gorgeous master bedroom. 3 times. Stunning.

Sleep No More has a minimum age requirement of 16.  I assume because those of younger years should not see weewees, vajayjays, boobies, and blood.  Personally, I think kids would be bored once they realize that Twilight this is not.  Anything supernatural stems from the audience's imagination.  SNM preys upon the adult sensibility of fear: madness, pride, violence, and corruption: terrors exhibited only by kids on Toddlers and Tiaras. Truly, this show is one for adults...

...but not all...

Those who should stay home:

1.  The out of shape elderly...you have to walk for three hours and the staircases are narrow and plentiful.  Plus you have to be silent...try and get an old lady to shut up for three hours who is not playing Bingo...tough!

2.  Paraplegics...I am sure the creepy elevator guy would take you from floor to floor, but the rooms are too narrow for wheelchairs. Plus, if you ran over my toe in the dark, I would have to ask a Weird Sister to sacrifice you.

3.  Those on the verge of heart attacks...that means you, Kevin James.  Despite my recent 25 lb weight loss, I was at times winded from running up stairs to follow a cast member and my legs were on fire by the end of the night.

4.  The blind....I am sorry.  I feel for your plight.  But the show is nothing without vision, albeit limited.

Friends, spend the $100 and go see this "show."  Right now, it's scheduled to run through the summer.  However, I would be shocked if it doesn't extend into the fall Halloween season... the ideal time of year to experience The Scottish Play. 

Films and books may claim to transport you to another world.  Sleep No More actually does it.  My grade....A

Ah...there is nothing like the dominant sounds of the Fourth of July weekend:

1.  Frequent Firecrackers - the worldwide bane of every canine. 

2.  Irritating Ice Cream Truck - Didn't Mister Softee come around often enough in my 20s thus plummeting me into despair until Shawn came around?

3.  Cacophonous Crap Cinema - my choices this weekend:

A.  Watching Julia Roberts and Tom Hanks try to convince me they are someone other than Julia Roberts and Tom Hanks while riding a moped.

B.  Transformers - being a Jenny Craig client, I have to limit my daily consumption of LeBeouf. 

So despite the fact that I have a coupon for a free movie ticket (Thanks, Regal...I spent about $100 on mediocre films to get this), I have decided to forego any cinematic venture this weekend and instead discuss a topic not often broached by cineasts:

Ahead of It's Time or Your Time Is Up?

It's always amusing to revisit a film or tv show of yore and subject them to The Elvira Test, henceforth trademarked by Cinematic Empahtic.  The question is: despite the aging process how well do these visual delights hold up? (Side note: I heard you can stick Pochantas coins in the Mistress of Macabre's decolletage, pull on her left arm, and if you win, she will crap gold).  Was the object up for viewing truly ahead of its time or is that a mere excuse to categorize something with which we don't know what to do?

Let's turn to an example, shall we?

From 1977-1981, ABC aired 85 episodes of the serial tv parody: Soap.  For those of you too young to remember, Soap was a pseudo-soap opera documenting the daily lives of the Campbells (the working class) and the Tates (the blue bloods) linked together by sisters Mary Campbell and Jessica Tate.  In this four year period, topics on the show included murder, a priest breaking the vow of celibacy, homosexuality, and a possessed baby.  Yes....a possessed baby.

Sounds like a hoot and a half, right?  Well it was...sort of.  The topics were juicy, no doubt.  And kudos to Billy Crystal for being the first actor cast as gay in a prime-time sitcom.  However, to continue with the Elvira metaphor, these jokes don't hold up well over time and...here comes the pun you've all been waiting for...fall flat.

Looking back on Soap, it's easy to say that the show only ran for 4 years because it was "ahead of it's time." Reaganomics came and sitcoms became more wholesome  like Silver Spoons and Family Ties.  However, it wasn't not until 1985, with the launch of those sassy silver spinsters The Golden Girls, that we started to laugh.

Overall, Soap holds up well in theme if not in practice.  The world is truly ready for another serial TV parody.  However, to pass The Elvira Test, it needs the support of a tight script and excellent delivery (the cast and crew of Chelsea Lately would be perfect in this vehicle.)  If neo-conservatism has you down (though it really shouldn't...last week, NY State told me I have rights!), rinse your mouth out with Soap. Ahead of its time in theme if not execution, Soap makes us yearn for a time when a size A on the Boob Tube beat a D any day.

One of the joys of living in the NYC area is getting to see movies before most of America for one of two reasons:

1.  The film is in limited release and will only expand to Middle America if the audience embraces it.

Or

2.  The film is either too pretentious, too campy, too foreign, or just plain too bad.

The film I saw today, Beginners (which BTW came in at #17 for the weekend's BO despite showing on only 19 screens) falls into category 1, but I doubt it will expand because it's just not great.

Beginners is the story of 38 year old single Oliver, played with casual ease by Ewan Mcgregor who is grieving the recent loss of his elderly father, Hal (played by Christopher Plummer with gay pananche, heretofore, known on Doug's Dish as "ganache" because let's face it; it's creamy and you can only taste so much before you start to feel sick).  After 44 years of marriage, Hal came out of the closet after his wife Georgia's passing and takes himself a young lover, played with ultimate vapidity by Goran Visnjic (somebody get him back to the ER to find his pulse!) The plot unfolds much in flashback as Oliver relives recent memeories of his father post-outing but pre-death. In the present, Oliver has inherited his dad's Jack Russell Terrier (who is Frasier's Eddie reincarnate as I am sure the original Eddie is long since dead) and is desperately trying to make his new relationship with Anna (played with Deschanel-like whimsy by Melanie Laurent).  Doesn't sound like much of a story, huh?  Well... it's not.  Beginners is trying desparately to achieve The Three Ess Stature: Small, Summer, and Sleeper. It's definitely small.  It was released in summer.  And it is a sleeper....I needed extra Coke Zero to stay awake.  The high point: an excellent sublime supporting turn by Mary Page Keller as Georgia.  Overall...C-

Hello Fellow Movie Lovers,

I am pleased to kick off my new blog: Cinematic Emphatic, an irreverant site for all things film related.  Before I give you my 25 cent bio, let me answer a question that I am sure most of you are thinking:

"Another blog site?" 

We need another blog as much as James Franco needs another hobby. 

Let me explain.  Several years ago, my partner of 14 years, Shawn and I went to the movies with a couple of our dearest friends.  Immediately following the screening, I began to rant about how inane the film was.  (It was so bad that I don't remember what film it was).  En route home in the car, Shawn told me, "Babe, I think you should be a little careful.  You feel so strongly about these films that you may be insulting those that like them."  He was right...

For the past few years, I have been bottling up these emotions: vehement emotions.  I am my deceased father's son, a man of strong conviction who has to make my opinions known before I surpress them with chips and salsa. 

I am on the cusp of 40.  Not quite old enough to say whatever the fuck I want and not worry about offending people (God help me at 80).  However, I feel most alive not when I exercise (I haven't in years), not when I work (though I do love my job), but when I rant....hard.  Expressing strong emotions = life.  It's the Italian in me.  

And so the idea of a blog was born.  A means to evaluate things cinematic.  But let's be clear...I am not limited just to film.  Here at CE, you will find posts on:

The NYC Stage Scene

Television

and that medium that makes me most furious: Advertisements (Yoplait Lite does not taste like real Boston Creme Pie! It's fucking yogurt).

I had many thoughts for the name of this site:

• CineMan Role - cute but way too punny, even for this lover of Elvira, Misress of the Dark
• Sinema - taken in China
• Cynema - after my mom Cynthia who loves movies as much as I do
• Reel Squeal - Way too gay even for me
• Cinematic Fanatic - taken...of course

which then led to Cinematic Emphatic... which really captures the essence of Doug.  Strong opinions. I want to hear yours and I want you to hear mine.  Stay tuned for the first post...and welcome!